From Job to Food Stamps in Four Months Flat
She’s a girl in her mid-twenties who finds herself in a predicament similar to many other Americans this year…laid off! Thanks to the recession, Melissa Marie Stephens has had to make the transition from paid worker to unemployed. It’s the ‘09 trend. Recession Chic. Everybody’s doing it. Let’s hear her tale. “It all started when I was laid off from my job in October…”
MONTH ONE
After I was laid off from my job, the next logical step was to file for unemployment. Wow, I had no idea that filing for unemployment is like trying to get a visa to stay in the US. I was quickly DENIED! I couldn’t believe it! I forged forward like the American woman I am, filed an appeal, went to court, waited for decisions…it was my own personal episode of Law & Order, except no Sam Waterston. The whole process ended up taking about three to four months, no joke, but I will come back to this part momentarily.
MONTH TWO
After dealing with my current sitch and sitting in denial of what was really happening, my boyfriend broke up with me. This is where the idea of ‘trimming the fat’ comes into play. When shit gets real and starts to pile up, you have to keep it simple. I bring this up because for all the ladies out there, it’s a BIG part of my saga. When it rains it pours, right? So ultimately, this was actually the best & worst thing that could have happened. Who wants to cuddle when you have to pay rent? My savings started to dwindle. I applied for jobs on foot in the rain, and PS, applying for jobs is a full-time job in itself. All I needed was the Mary Tyler Moore show music to play in the background to make me feel like I was a working girl…unfortunately I wasn’t working at a TV station (still jobless) and had no hat to throw in the air (it was repossessed).
I applied at many Hollywood bars and restaurants and just one of the highlights from this arduous process was a homeless man who tapped me outside of an “open-call audition” for a bar (yes you have to audition to be a bartender in Los Angeles, headshot and all) and said “this is the closest you will get to television.” The other model/actress/waitresses in line cringed, but I proceeded to laugh at the hilarity of the moment. One woman in line told the rest of the girls hoping for the shot to pour pints of Miller Light to LA hipsters that she didn’t have a resume and pointed to her body and face and said, “this is my resume.” I was brought in, met the general manager and was told they were opening a coffee shop and would be in touch. Went from a bartender to diner waitress in three seconds flat – no offense to those at Mel’s…and if anyone reading this works there, can I send you a resume?
MONTH THREE
Craigslist swiftly became a dead end. I never heard back from any postings even though my experience felt pretty up to par. The worst part of Craiggers was when I did get a response, it was usually a scam. One had to do with nannying a kid whose “parents” were overseas and the kid would get brought to me via cab after they got your “information.” This royally sucked because each time, as if I was fresh off the boat from Georgia, I believed it. Beware!! I applied at HOOTERS too (both the Hollywood and Santa Monica locations) which I thought I was a shoe in for, but again fell short. They are looking for girls who are surfer chicks or cheerleaders and apparently I am neither of those things. I had no money left and maple sugar Pop Tarts and tea had become my daily diet. None of these opportunities panned out, but man did I end up with gems of stories to share with my friends.
MONTH FOUR
Hitting month four of Job Search ‘09 I sucked it up and went to a Starbucks cattle call where there were so many applicants, people were turned away. And, shockingly, I didn’t get the job. I don’t know who did, because it seemed like people with PhD’s were applying. Honestly, who’s more qualified…a lawyer or a former barista? I then hit the bottom of the barrel and applied for food stamps, which was totally embarrassing. Continuing to try to get through to unemployment still proved to be just as difficult, as their phones are perpetually busy. I thought about visiting the actual unemployment offices, but was told that physical offices don’t exist. You’d think unemployment was a hot single dude, by the way people got so catty and stingy and secretive about it. A little more investigative reporting proved that a lie…thank you To Catch a Predator and Murphy Brown reruns. I found out about one located in Crenshaw, through much sifting and searching. What better trip for a blonde haired, blue-eyed girl to take than a bus to Inglewood.
Here I met a man who couldn’t read or write applying for unemployment. Yes, I said read and write and I too am shocked that this still exists in the US. I finally spoke to someone who could help and I had my Oscar moment where I cried and said I had only eaten Pop Tarts for the past month and that I was going to be evicted, and my power was getting shut off and laundry was being done in the sink… CLASSIC. It should have been filmed.
The one good thing that’s come from this is my recession body. The recession uniform is my best asset these days – totally bad ass/chic. Skinny jeans, a men’s Hanes tank, Chucks and a leather jacket. This multipurpose outfit that can get you through Crenshaw (and it did) as well as any hot hipster joint as well. My recession diet was doing wonders for my figure too – throw in some fast food here and there to get some meat on the bones, and you have a Halle Berry body in no time. The great thing is when you are broke you are counting pennies and not calories, and if you take the bus like me you get your exercise running to catch it. More recession tales to come…
–Recessionista
(www.recessionistahollywood.com coming soon!)
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