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The Oscar Awards Awards

(An unbiased look at the Oscars from someone who was in the Oscar Award winner for best picture The Hurt Locker for roughly 3 minutes and 48 seconds)

By Malcolm I. Barrett

My name is Malcolm I. Barrett. I was in the recently  awarded Oscar winner for Best Picture “The Hurt Locker” for roughly 3 minutes and 48 seconds so I know what it takes to achieve the pinnacle of success at your craft. Getting drunk on my couch watching the show, I saw some of the people I had worked with in The Hurt Locker who I’m sure would forget me just as quickly as their hands touched that naked golden statue, if not sooner while filming months ago back in Jordan. There was a rush as I tivo’d past the technical awards to see some of my favorites win, sometimes prematurely as I had skipped a little too far and saw some of the winners before even seeing their nomination clip show but, eh, what are you gonna do. Suffice it to say I know and respect Hollywood tradition and although the Oscars are considered the pent-ultimate in Hollywood achievement the real show and the true prizes can not be judged till the final winner is announced, and since award shows are as ubiquitous as the internet there is no other logical step in entertainment than to give out awards to the awards shows themselves. So, in association with imontvbitch.com, it is my pleasure to present to you the very first annual Oscar Awards… Awards.

1. Biggest Attention Whore

1. J. Lo’s bubble wrap dress
2. Ben Stiller as a Na’vi (…Navy, whatever)
3. Gabourey Sidibe’s general demeanor
4. Meryl Streep’s acting

And the winner is… J. Lo’s bubble wrap dress.

Ben Stiller isn’t funny anymore… but I appreciate that he tries (… to a point). And although his demeanor came off more depressing than deadpan and his extra bit of talking to James “King of the World, but not necessarily the Oscars” Cameron went on for a bit, Ben Stiller’s blue-faced, tail-wagging, pole-dragging, face-painting at a black tie event, didn’t scream “look at me!” like Jennifer Lopez in a dress made of lopsided bubble wrap… I guess that’s one way to protect yourself in case you fall on your butt, again.

Once you pop, you can’t stop

2. Hugest Icon/ Worst Career

1. Molly Ringwald
2. Judd Nelson
3. The entire cast of Breakfast Club
4. Tyler Perry
5. Kevin Costner’s later work

And the winner is… Molly Ringwald

I couldn’t help but note that you pretty much can’t say John Hughes without mentioning Molly Ringwald yet standing up on stage she had the least successful career out of all of the stars of the Hughes oeuvre. She was hand-picked for almost every Hughes movie, she was like Helena Bonham Carter to his Tim Burton. But after she lost that I’ve-never-touched-a-penis-look she never worked again… cocaine is a helluva drug.

The cast of Twilight without make-up

3. Best/Worst Duo

1. Steve Carrell & Cameron Diaz
2. Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin
3. Tina Fey & Robert Downey Jr.
4. The Goth Chick and the Puerto Rican dude from Twilight
5. Miley Cyrus and that other chick
6. Sean Penn & his innate ability to be a dick

And the winner is… Alec & Steve for Best Duo

Come on. They were on fire, they had great chemistry and they didn’t make the stars feel all nervous like Chris Rock does. From their jokes of growing up a poor black child, their paranormal parody, to their lack of musical number, they proved they knew what it took to make it funny/ slightly edgy and keep it moving. They did what good hosts do, pop enough shit to show the face of famous people then keep it moving without milking your schtick.

4. Fakest Reaction during a cut away

1. Stanley Tucci playing shy during nomination
2. Meryl Streep during all of her mentions
3. Meryl Streep during Sandra’s win
4. Alec Baldwin when he praised Tina Fey for reviving his career

And the winner is… Meryl Streep

She’s been nominated 16 times, she needs to win for something…

5. Awkwardest Moment of the Night (aka The Kanye)

1. Ben Stiller dressed as a Nav’i
2. The acceptance speech by the makers of ‘Music by Prudence’
3. NPH not quite hitting those final notes
4. Watching James Cameron pretend to be happy for his ex-wife as she whomped him

And the winner is…. Music by Prudence.

While NPH and Ben Stiller at least tried and James Cameron, though promising, left a little to be desired in terms of flat out national formal embarrassment, each paled in comparison to the acceptance speech for best Documentary short. Now I don’t know if you picked up on this because I myself had to watch it several times (sidebar: Whoever invented DVR or the concept of tivo should be receiving a blowjob RIGHT…NOW). The documentary short category was on and if you’re like me you were zoning out until you heard a category you cared about. But then suddenly, in the middle of one the winner’s speech, some woman lookin like Mrs. Garret Kanye’d her way onto the mic. I played it back to check my ears and lo and behold as dude is accepting his award and speaking she busts in and says, “… let the woman talk…blah, blah.” I was content to leave it at that till I played it back once more for effect. The group I was with noted both were named winners and while Mr’s Garrett struggled to squeeze out of the aisle towards stage, my man Doug E. Doug or whatever trotted to the stage and started his speech before she even made it near the mic. Further investigation discovered there was a rift between the two and Mr’s Garrett took herself off the film. Presumably to spend more time to take care of Tootie and bust up the awards ceremony of other projects she quit before she realized they were gonna receive oscars.

After the show… Ima whoop… yo’… ass…

6. The Biggest Waste of Time

1. Trotting out of Best Actor and Actresses in a leading role
2. Neil Patrick Dance Opening Dance Number
3. Jeff Bridges’ acceptance speech
4. The Oscars itself
5. The Best Score Interpretive Dance Number/ Electric Boogaloo Dance Cypher, kid… WOORRRDDDD!

And the winner is… The Best Song Interpretive Dance Number/ Electric Boogaloo Dance Cypher, kid… WOORRRDDDD!

Um… the interpretive dance section is always a little out of nowhere… I mean the dancing was cool and all… especially in the middle when they did the synchronized floor work…and then the formation with the leader breaking on the lower level… but um… well… WHAT THE FUCK DOES BREAK-DANCING HAVE TO DO WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES… FOXES…BOMBS IN IRAQ!!

7. Most Missed

1. Jack Nicholson
2. Farrah Fawcett
3. Molly Ringwald’s Career
4. Bea Arthur
   

And the winner is… Farrah Fawcett

It’s the Oscars, she’s a mainstay of Hollywood, she was one of Charlie’s Angels. How could you not have her in memoriam?…She’s Farrah Fucking Fawcett. I’m from Brooklyn and I know better than that.

8. Worst/Best Technical Snafu

1. Music playing during Puerto Roc & Goth Chick’s Horror introduction
2. ‘Whirring’ sound going on during Molly Ringwald’s ‘John Hughes is dead’ speech
3. Sound of stuff falling during ‘John Hughes is dead’ follow up
4. James Cameron sitting in the dark during NPH’s musical acknowledgment

And the winner is… James Cameron sitting in the dark during his technical shoutout.

Seriously though, nothing says foreshadowing of Cameron’s congratulatory yet award-lacking night like the accidental cut away of him sitting in the dark during  Neil Patrick Harris’ shoutout about his technical advances. Which leads me to…

9. Biggest Loser

1. Gabourey Sidibe
2. George Clooney
3. James Cameron
4. Meryl Streep
5. The Viewing Public

And the winner is… James Cameron (P.S. I bet you thought there was gonna be a fat joke about Gabby… well it’s not… dick

Much like the actual night George Clooney will be mentioned but once again win nothing. I thought for a second about making him win but then it hit me, he knew he wasn’t winning anything and to be honest was lucky to be nominated. Now I didn’t do anything crazy like actually see all the nominees but it seemed like it was just George Clooney doing his usual George Clooney thing, which I dig. I can see that before his buddy Brad for Benjamin Button which when you look at the performance, technically it’s actually just some CGI and a midget in a spider-man mask. Sidibe had a chance but was kind of a longshot, although she probably had the biggest transformation of character I’m pretty sure most white folks thought “Precious” was a documentary, like Courtney Love in “The People vs. Larry Flynt” therefore she didn’t deserve an Oscar. But honestly you kinda feel like they owe her something after that Vanity Fair snub…

Happy Black History month…

But there were too many vets like Sandra “I’m a winner” Bullock and Meryl “The Susan Lucci of this rap shit” Streep to really think she had a chance…

But James Cameron! …he was sure to get one or the other, Best Director or Best Film… he got nada. And because the Academy apparently consists of the same people who produce ‘The Hills” he had to watch the whole televised ordeal sitting directly behind his ex-wife Kathryn the entire night. I’ve never seen a director get up so quickly to shake the hand of a passing technical award winner he worked with, I think he knew… sadly, in his heart of hearts… that the Na’vi (Navy…?) would not get their elusive best director or best picture gold that night… then again Avatar made 2.5 billion so far… so fuck ‘em.

10. Awesomest/ Most Memorable Oscar Moment

1. Music by Prudence Acceptance Speech
2. Katheryn Biglalowe’s first female directorial win
3. NPH’s dance number
4. The acceptance speech by the writer of Precious
5. Ben Stiller as a Nav’y
6. Steve Martin swearing at Dame Helen Mirren
7. Mo’Nique’s Oscar win, Hattie McDaniels nod

And the winner is… Katheryn Bigalowe

Kathryn Bigalowe becoming the first female to win an Oscar while simultaneously trouncing her ex-husband during a live broadcast… makes this the awesomest, most memorable Oscar moment of 2010.

Ok, James that was funny, you can let go now… James… that’s kinda tight…

Is there any category, artist or moment you think me or the academy overlooked…?

–Malcolm I. Barrett

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to check out What You Need to Know about Being a (Paid) Actor by Malcolm I. Barrett

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